This week is trying.
Full of stress.
One problem after another. Late nights being woke by an alarm on a wound vac that needs immediate attention. Medical professionals dropping the ball. Medical staff being severely overwhelmed by the number of patients they have on a daily basis. Trying to make this all work. Trying not to have another panic attack. Locking the keys in the house on the way to an appointment at the beginning of an already running late busy day…
All of this being said.
I couldn’t be happier to be able to go home at night after my long, trying, exhausting days to see my beautiful partner waiting for me.
When I go home, my work is not done. Far from it. It won’t be done for the foreseeable future. But it’s all ok, because I have her.
No matter what shit the day brings. No matter how frustrated I get. No matter how defeated I feel. No matter how many panic attacks I have in a single given day. I have her.
In a little over a month from now we will be celebrating 3 years together. Though it feels like a lifetime already. The past two years have been so full of stress, illness, depression, anxiety, financial struggles, and emotional turmoil. She has almost died on me more than once…
I still have her.
She is still here. I am still here. We still have each other.
Through it all she maintained the most incredible optimistic attitude. She changed a lot of lives along the way. She was even hospitalized for 41 days and spent that time being her usual cheery self even on days that I couldn’t make it to see her. She was the fun room, the Las Vegas of the hospital, what happens in her room stays in her room. Her care staff would sometimes spend their lunches and breaks in her room just to be around her and destress. If she wasn’t doing that for someone, she was teaching them something new.
She is light. She is love.
She is a wonderful human and I’m so happy that I have her in my life. That she is still here.
The past three years have been full of other things as well, though the above list tried to dominate them. She encourages me. She works really hard every day to understand me and helps me to understand myself even more. She builds me up. She pours light and love into me. She supports me in anything I want or do. She is forgiving. She makes me feel safe. She helps me remember things I’ve said, seen, and experienced and can’t recall due to my brain injury. She doesn’t mind when I watch the same shows over and over again. She lets me tell her the same stories over and over again because I’ve forgotten I’ve already told them. She makes me feel loved. I feel like I can let go and just be myself around her. She broke down my nearly unbreakable walls. She lifted me out of my bouts of depression. She gives me space and time to gather my thoughts when we argue. She made me feel human again. She has helped me become a much better person.
The past three years have been some of the hardest years of my life. They have also been the best. I’ve gotten to know myself. I’ve learned so much about the world. I’ve learned so much about what a relationship should be.
I’ve learned that love isn’t defined by those butterflies you feel, the excitement of a new relationship, or even just liking each other enough to want to spend every moment together.
Love is hard. Love is trying. It’s heart wrenching and makes you look at all of the ugly parts of yourself and your partner and makes you want to change for each other. It’s full of miscommunications, assumptions, plans that don’t work out. Love is compromising and changing for another. Love is safety and comfort. Love is grueling work. If you take the time and do the work… the reward is amazing. Love is knowing you will always have someone to support you. Knowing you aren’t alone in this brutal world. Love is having help to reach your goals and build something together. Love is beautiful and bloody. Love is comforting each other. Being strong when your partner can’t be. Them picking you up when you are defeated.
Love is like yin and yang. You cannot have the light without the darkness.
The world is full of darkness. She is my light.
This week sucks, but it’s ok, I have Catie. That’s all I need to keep going.
I love you honey.